WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday. “Let me say this loud and clear: Failing to eat your entire hamburger, regardless of how full you are, will be considered an attack against the U.S. government,” said Patel, adding that violators who committed treason by filling up on sides or dismissing the last bites as “all bread” would face up to 20 years in jail and fines of up to $10,000. “Already, we have compiled a list of criminals who have left stray pieces of pickle or ground beef on their paper plates, or secretly picked off their grilled onions and attempted to hide the remains in a napkin. And to anyone who discarded a perfectly good bun only to wrap their burger in lettuce and eat it ‘paleo style’? Not even the death penalty is harsh enough.” Patel went on to state that if the unfinished burger was anything less than a double, the offender would be referred to the Department of Homeland Security for deportation.
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