Woman stops putting effort into maintaining friendships and realizes she was the only one keeping them alive: ‘I used to be the one checking in, starting conversations, making plans, and making sure everyone was okay’

Friendship news: Not every misunderstanding deserves a trial, and not every incompatibility is fixable

I had a very old friend who once got offended because I didn't respond to a meme she sent, and she made that incident about how I didn't care about her or her needs, and that I needed to pay special attention to those things; otherwise, she would feel abandoned.

I thought the whole issue was ridiculous, but her argument sounded logical: it was what she needed to feel loved, and I couldn't provide that to her. She said that if I were empathetic enough, I would've made an effort to do what she needed. I thought about it a lot, and I finally concluded that some people are simply not compatible, and although we can make an effort here and there, we can never fix things that naturally don't work.

Of course, I also thought what she was asking was entitled and that it didn't leave any room for me or my feelings, and didn't give me the benefit of the doubt. I sincerely thought that she should take responsibility for her issues around abandonment and that I wasn't responsible for that, even though I was her friend, especially because we had been friends for a long time, and I really wished that she could trust that over any random paranoia she could have about an unrequited meme.

At one point, I decided I didn't want to turn a minor incident into an exhausting conversation, so I left it at that. I could have defended my point, reassured her about my feelings, and explained things for an hour, but to me, the cost of maintaining that friendship had become higher than what it gave me. I decided to let her go and let her think whatever she wanted, even if that meant that in her story I was the bad guy.

This doesn't mean her feelings were wrong; it just means that the preservation of a friendship is not mine at any cost. I can't be subjected to my friend's every whim, because that's not what I subscribed to, and because that's not what I ask of my friends either.

To me, it comes to a point in life when you realize that no matter how much you talk about certain things, there are relationships that cannot work simply because the two personalities naturally don't communicate well, and there is no point in trying or changing yourself to fit someone else's standards. We should all gravitate to where we're naturally accepted, and where what we have to compromise doesn't feel as big.

How much emotional labor do we have to put into a friendship for it to exist? Don't we have some friendships that basically flow and do not need as much work? Can our friendships survive a simple, human oversight?

Not every disagreement needs a solution, and we can let some friendships go without turning the other person into an enemy. I suggest we all try a deep friendship cleaning once in a while. Cheers!